Me: An Autobiography
by garvfait
Summary: Kitty Divine has been sent to Yubaba's Academy for Distinguished Young Folk where she has no idea what to expect. Fortunately, she's not the only transfer, but this comfort is short-lived as things become weirder than she could ever have expected including the initiation for new students, the school photographer who keeps catching her in compromising positions and much more!
1. Chapter 1

Me: An Autobiography

(I swear, it all happened, man, actual events that actually happened… really)

Chapter One:

It was not a hot and sunny day as I arrived in London. I had left dust and heat behind in Arizona, along with my family, my friends and everything else I had ever known. When my parents first started mentioning a boarding school in England, I laughed it off, but here I am, traveling to Yubaba's Academy For Distinguished Young Folk. It sounded more like a correctional institute than a school. Oh well, I was almost there now so I might as well make the best of it.

After what seemed like years later, I practically fell out of the taxi and onto the school lawn, chucked some unknown amount of money at the taxi driver and ran toward the school through a light drizzle. I found a large wooden door before me with an equally large man standing next to it. He was very hairy and looked ominous.

"Is this the entrance to the academy?" I asked, trying to breathe like a normal human being who didn't become embarrassingly out of breath from running ten feet.

"Aye, that it be." He replied and opened the door for me.

Before me was a hallway of polished white stone with arching wooden walls closing together in a domed ceiling high above me, but I didn't have time to admire architecture right now. I was already five minutes late to the entrance ceremony.

"Excuse me, which way is the dining hall?" I turned around, but the large ominous man was no longer there, "Great, now I'm late and lost."

I jogged hurriedly down the hallway. Somewhere ahead, I could see a map.

"Thank goodness!" I panted as I reached it, musing aloud, "Now, where is the dining hall?"

I was tracing a finger along the map when it suddenly began to sing at earsplitting volume, "I'm the map, I'm The Map, I'M THE MAP, I'M THE MAAAAAAAAAAAP!"

I shrieked in horror, backing away from the singing map and falling over, but not before I caught sight of an open door down the right side of the hall from which drifted the sounds of voices.

"Aha!" I exclaimed, getting up and charging like a wounded wildebeest to the door. However, the door seemed to have vanished and been replaced by a bright red haze, "Hey, what the eminem?! Who moved the door?"

I headed uncertainly in the direction of the door as the voices grew louder. Suddenly, a hand seized my shoulder and a male voice spoke, "Ah, there you are."

"Unhand me, Man-Beast!" I shrieked, whirling around and karate-chopping my unfortunate captor.

There was a slight gurgle from the man as he collapsed to the ground. Attack averted, I hurried onwards. The sound was much louder here, so I must have reached the doorway by now. Now, if only I could see it.

"Umm, is that a new hairstyle?" A voice in front of me asked.

Assuming the voice was addressing me, I demanded, "Who the heck are you?! Where am I?! And what's wrong with my hair?!"

The red haze obscuring my vision cleared, and I saw a man in front of me brushing my hair out of my face.

"Oh, no wonder I couldn't see anything." I muttered, "I thought it was some sort of test."

The man shook his head, amused, and swept his hair elegantly from his face, "I am Mei Tian, the school doctor, and you must be Kitty Divine, one of the new girls."

"Oh! There are others?" I asked, feeling relief at not being the only one.

"Yes, there are two others." Mei Tian replied, "Their names are -"

But he was interrupted by a voice from the hallway behind me, "Professor Mei Tian, I think Legolas is dead."

I looked back to see the large hairy man there and further behind him, down the hallway, lay the presumably dead Legolas. I felt a slight pang of guilty realization. That must have been the guy I karate-chopped earlier.

"Well, make your way over to the far left side of the dining room." Mei Tian instructed, "There, you will find two very tall professors in black cloaks. They will assist you further. I must go tend to Legolas."

He gave me one last look, eyebrows raised as though he knew what I had done. I hung my head, hiding my face in my hair and walked across the dining hall. It probably wasn't advisable to kill my fellow classmates on the first day of school. Oh well, at least that meant that things couldn't really get much worse.

I made it across the dining hall without event until I reached the two professors. They were cloaked in black and immensely tall. I could not see the face of one of them, and the other wore a mask that was scary beyond all reason.

The one with the mask looked at me and held out his hand, "Uh uh uh."

Gold suddenly appeared in the middle of his hand, but the other figure waved him away with … a skeleton hand? I had to blink a couple of times to see if it was still there. Yep, definitely a skeleton hand.

HELLO, SMALL HUMAN. The tall professor with the skeleton hand said, looking down at me, I AM PROFESSOR DEATH, AND THIS IS PROFESSOR NO FACE.

I looked at the other professor in disbelief. He had somehow retracted the gold back into his hand and now looked distinctly guilty around the mask-area.

"Nice to meet you." I managed.

IF YOU WILL COME THIS WAY, PROFESSOR YUBABA WILL PRESENT YOU TO THE SCHOOL AND YOU WILL BE SORTED INTO YOUR DORMITORY.

Professor Death lead me over to two other girls, one with dark brown hair and the other with short blonde hair. They stood nervously, trying not to look around the hallway or make eye-contact with anyone.

Now that we were assembled, the chatter died down, and silence fell. I began to feel distinctly uncomfortable. Were we expected to say something? However, we were saved by a figure who swooped down from the rafters and onto the ground before us. She was hideously ugly with an enormous nose, small eyes and a huge bun of grey hair. The rest of her body appeared to be that of an enormous black bird. She flapped once and her wings dissolved and the bird's body was replaced by one of a very short and very squat woman.

"Good evening, everyone." She greeted, "I am your principal, Professor Yubaba. You may call me Professor Yubaba. Now, I don't like speeches, and I don't really like any of you either, so I am going to introduce our transfer students quickly and return to my favorite activity, which is not being with you whiny little, cry-babies."

There was silence.

"Good, now first here, we have Elmo Pasty." Professor Yubaba continued, "Elmo Pasty, you have been placed into dorm one. Please, go and join them at the far table on the left."

The girl with the dark hair, who definitely didn't look like her name was Elmo Pasty, opened her mouth to say something, but Professor Yubaba waved her away before she could even speak. Elmo headed over to the table on the left that had burst into applause, and she sat down next to a boy with black hair and glasses and a girl with bushy brown hair.

"Next, we have Pika Bill," Professor Yubaba said, "and you have been placed into dorm three. Please, take your place at the table in the middle of the hall."

The girl with short blonde hair stumbled over to the middle table and sat down amid cheers.

"Last, we have Kitty Divine." Professor Yubaba continued.

I stood up, heart pounding and joined Yubaba facing the hall of students, feeling the eyes of everyone burning into me.

"You have been placed into dorm two. Please proceed to the table at the right side of the hall."

The table at the right broke into applause and cheers. I walked self-consciously down to the table and sat between a lamp with a pole and a foot attached to it and a squat, hairy man with a red, braided beard.

"Hello." The red-bearded man greeted me.

"Hi." I said.

"I'm Gimli," he said, "and this" here he gestured to the lamp with the pole and foot, "is The Foot Bonk Stick."

"Eh-eee." The Foot Bonk Stick creaked.

"Nice to meet you," I said, feeling as though my life had descended into some strange and unknown realm of Hell.


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two:

"Have you seen Legolas?" Gimli asked, looking around, "He was supposed to sit next to me. I saved him a seat."

"Ha ha ha ha!" I laughed way too loudly, even The Foot Bonk Stick looked uncomfortable, "I have no idea what he is. Never heard of a Legolas before."

Gimli looked concerned, "That's strange. He's our prefect, actually. In charge of all of dorm two."

Oh, wonderful. So I killed the prefect.

"Who's his second?" I asked as casually as I could.

"What do you mean 'second?'" Gimli asked.

"You know," I replied, "if he died. Who's second in line to the throne? That kind of thing." Gimli looked at me as though I were crazy, which I thought was taking some liberty, considering what was sitting on the other side of me. He was about to respond when there was a minor tornado as something whirled over to our table on roller blades.

"That would be me, hurr hurr." The something answered, revealing himself to be a hideous guy with a horrendous butt chin, tiny eyes that were far too close together and a mop of curly hair, "The name's Collins. Nice to meet you, sexy lady."

"Eew." I replied, turning away from him in disgust.

However, to my horror, he sat next to me, knocking The Foot Bonk Stick onto the ground where it creaked sadly.

"I knew a girl once," The Collins Beast continued, "or maybe I didn't, but I totally did. She was smokin' but she might not have been because it was too dark to see anything, but she was so hot, and I totally banged her, or maybe I didn't, but actually I did-"

Before this abomination could continue being hideous, I punched him squarely in the face and he crashed into a plate of apples. An enormously tall guy with blue skin and hair turned large, yellow eyes on The Collins Beast and glared at him, grimacing and bearing a set of fangs.

"Those are my apples." The blue guy growled angrily.

"I'm sorry, Ryuk, I just-" The Collins Beast began to stutter, but Ryuk punched him across the dining hall where he narrowly missed decapitating a boy in a red kimono with long white hair and dog ears.

"Goddammit!" The boy cursed, "Why doncha watch what you're doing for once, Ryuk?!"

"Shut up, Inuyasha." Ryuk responded, promptly turning away and taking an apple lovingly from the plate.

I helped The Foot Bonk Stick up off of the floor and back onto the bench, keeping my eyes firmly fixed downwards, so I wouldn't have to see or talk to anyone else.

Dinner eventually drew to a close and Yubaba swooped like a bat down from the rafters to make one more announcement.

"Shut up, you whining cry-babies." She said, and silence fell, "Now, your schedules are being handed out. If any of you encounters a problem in your schedule or dislikes it, then feel free to shut up. I hope to see none of you until the school year ends, and if any of you has the urge to visit my office, don't. Your prefects will now lead you to your dormitories where you will find that your things have all been taken up for you."

Here, an ancient professor with a long grey beard and long hair and a pair of booty shorts came up and whispered something in Professor Yubaba's ear.

"Ah, it turns out that Legolas has met with a slight accident, so Jeeves will be taking dorm two to their rooms." Yubaba said, "And now, shut up, go away, and good riddance."

I thought that word must have traveled regarding my not-so-well-placed karate-chop because I was given various strange glances as our dorm stood up to follow Jeeves. I trailed at the back, carrying The Foot Bonk Stick's schedule since he only had one foot and reading over my own. Fortunately, we had one day to adjust to the school before classes commenced, and I made it my goal to familiarize myself with the entire school tomorrow.

"Hey there, man." A small bird flapped by, and when I looked more closely at it, I saw that it had the head of a blonde boy.

I shook my own head and continued onwards.

"Catch you later, man." The bird-boy said.

We had reached a set of stairs now leading upwards. I noticed an odd collection of signs distributed across the walls of the staircase. There were signs such as 'slow down and shut up' and 'no laughing' and 'your problems do not interest me.' They were all signed by Yubaba.

She seemed rather … delightful.

I hadn't had much of an opportunity to notice before, but the school was beautiful. It was more like an enormous mansion than any school I had ever seen. I wondered vaguely how on earth my parents could afford to send me here, but then again, the outward appearance of the building was deceiving. It did occur to me that they may have actually sent me to some sort of mental institution and, oddly enough, this thought wouldn't have bothered me at all.

We proceeded up another staircase and down a few hallways before Jeeves opened a door and we found ourselves in an enormous rom where all three dorms congregated. A fire crackled merrily in a large stone fireplace, although I wasn't sure it was supposed to have a face. There were couches and chairs spaced around the fireplace and near the windows. Large tables occupied the middle of the room, constituting the study area, and on the walls, there were bookshelves packed with books, games, strangely mismatched ornaments and other such things.

"This is the general common room," Jeeves explained to us, "it is where all three dorms may come and go as they please. The room does not open or close at a certain time, but the school does. Students are not permitted to wander around the school past eleven o'clock unless you have been given permission by a prefect or a professor."

Jeeves walked on further, leading us to one of the three numbered doors. This one was numbered 'two.'

"Now," he continued, leading us through the door as the other two dorms headed through their doors, "this is your private common room. It is out of bounds to anyone else but dorm two members unless an emergency arises."

The room was basically a miniature of the general common room with the addition of a small kitchen and two staircases leading up to another floor.

"This is the girls' wing." Jeeves informed us, "It is absolutely forbidden for boys to climb the stairs and enter the girls' wing. To do so will result in a vicious spanking from Professor Yubaba. This other side is the boys' wing. Similarly, it is also forbidden for girls to enter here. Now, your things have been brought up for you, and you will find your room is marked with yours and your roommate's name. However, due to the fact that there are only three girls, you have all been given your own rooms."

I looked around and saw that the other two girls were surprisingly normal after everyone else I had seen. Kagome had black hair and wore a skimpy sailor school uniform, while the other, Irenie, only looked about ten years old and had long blonde hair, a pink jeweled tiara and had her mouth open in a look of surprise.

The boys grumbled vaguely about not being given their own rooms and I followed Kagame and Irenie up the staircase to our rooms. The hallway to our rooms was forbidding, to say the least, lit by flickering lamps high up in the stone walls.

I found my room: the second on the right. I closed the door and headed over to the bathroom to freshen up before going down to the general common room. It was still early and I wasn't ready to sleep yet after all that had happened today.

I turned on the light, looked in the bathroom mirror and screamed in horror. My hair, evidently not accustomed to the humidity, had expanded to ten times its usual size. No wonder people had been looking at me strangely and the only two friends I had made so far were a lamp with a foot and a squat, hairy man.

I attempted to smooth down my hair before making my way down to the general common room and looked around expectantly before I realized I had no friends. Instead, I sat on a couch by one of the windows and tried to look tragic. After about half an hour, I gave up and stomped dejectedly back to my room. I might as well just go to sleep.

In my room, I changed into a nightgown and faux-fur trimmed robe. I was about to turn off the light when a slight noise caught my attention. It sounded as though it had come from my bathroom. I opened the door and was assaulted by flashing lights and clicking noises.

"What the-" I stuttered, shielding my eyes, but I was interrupted by another voice. A male voice. A hideous male voice.

"Hold still and show us those pearly whites!" Said a green toad-man.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH! WHAT ON EARTH DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?!" I screeched, "WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?! AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BEDROOM?!"

The disgusting toad-man, who was two feet tall, removed the camera from his face and looked up at me with bulging yellow eyes, "I am Jaken, from dorm three. I'm the photographer from the school newspaper, and I'm doing an article on you and the other two transfer students." He replied, raising his camera again.

"Well don't you think that there are better opportunities for doing that?" I demanded, "For example, not when I'm in my private room in my pajamas?!"

"I was aiming for an uncles and personal angle." Jaken explained, "And besides," he added, with a hideous smile, clicking another picture, "everyone likes a fiery redhead in neglige!"

I stood open-mouthed, contemplating the best way to murder this little creep when there was a light knock upon my door and it opened.

"What the hell is this? Some sort of party I was not informed of?" I demanded, turning around.

Another man stood there. He was very tall and very handsome with long silvery hair, gold eyes and strange markings on his face. He was clad in a kimono, some sort of armor and what looked like a large, fluffy boa draped over one shoulder. On anyone else, it would have looked ridiculous, but on this guy, it somehow looked beastly.

"Who are you?" I asked.

"It is I, Sesshoumaru." He replied.

"Lord Sesshoumaru!" Jaken croaked anxiously, his yellow eyes bulging.

"Ah, there you are, cretin." Sesshoumaru remarked, hitting Jaken over the head with a staff that I hadn't noticed was leaning against the wall.

Jaken fainted and Sesshoumaru grabbed him by the camera strap hanging around his neck and dragged him to the door. In the doorway, he turned to face me.

"I apologize for my servant." He said, "He will be beaten mercilessly."

"Umm … thanks …" I managed, feeling dazed.

"It is the least that I, Sesshoumaru, can do." Sesshoumaru replied, "You are Kitty, am I correct?"

"Yes." I said, but it sounded more like a question than an answer.

"I see." He replied, "Then I, Sesshoumaru, will see you in class Monday."

"Thanks, I mean yeah sure." I stuttered, words tumbling out and splashing like diarrhea, "Have a night. Oh, I mean a good. A good night, that is," but he had already left, dragging Jaken behind him.

"Oh my bloody god," I groaned, leaning against the door and covering my face, "there's going to be a picture of me in the newspaper tomorrow wearing this. And seriously? Have a night? I think I'll just jump out of the window now."

I walked over to the large window in order to save some of my dignity when I realized that it was actually a balcony.

"Oh, how pretty!" I exclaimed, forgetting that my honor was at stake and opening the double glass doors. It was so beautiful that I forgot all about committing suicide.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter Three:

The next day, when I went down to breakfast, the first things that I noticed were copies of the school newspaper on every table. I felt people watching me as I walked past, some reading the paper wide-eyed.

"That's it." I growled, marching over to dorm three's table. I couldn't see Jaken, but Sesshoumaru was there, so no doubt he'd know where Jaken was.

"Where. is. Jaken." I hissed from behind Sesshoumaru.

He turned around, unblinking to look at me while a boy next to him with eyes looked alarmed.

"I, Sesshoumaru, does- do not know." He replied.

"Well, if you happen to see him, will you tell him that the next time I see him will be the last?" I asked, "I will end him."

"Haven't you already killed enough people?" Someone asked from behind me.

I whirled around to see Legolas standing there.

"AAAAAAAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEE IT'S A GHOST!" I screamed, smacking Legolas across the face with a rolled up newspaper.

"Would you stop doing that?!" Legolas yelled, grabbing the newspaper from me.

Suddenly, from out of nowhere, a marching band appeared playing a horrendous percussion and brass rendition of Bizet's 'Toreador' as there were chants of 'fight!' 'fight!' from dorm three's table. Legolas and I began to circle one another like wild animals, but before the first punch could be thrown, Professor Death grasped my shoulders, and Mei Tian grabbed Legolas.

"You two, stop it this instant." Mei Tian ordered, "I do not see to or want to see either of you in my office. You're not children anymore, so stop behaving like you are."

BEHAVE, SMALL HUMAN. Professor Death said, patting me on the head and leading me back to dorm two's table where I sat as far away from Legolas as I could.

Gimli gave me a haughty glare, if that is even possible to do when you are a hairy, squat dwarf, and went to sit by Legolas.

Great, so now I was a laughing stock on my first day, and my only friend was The Foot Bonk Stick.

"Kitty?" A voice asked from behind me.

I turned around to see a man with long brown hair, pointed ears and a severe expression.

"It's Kitty, isn't it?" He asked.

"Of course it is." A man next to him said. He was handsome and had dark brown hair and stubble. He held what looked suspiciously like a tankard of beer in one hand.

Another man next to him with blonde hair nodded. He also had something rather beer-like, "I'm Fili." The blonde man said.

"And I'm Kili." His friend said then gestured to the severe man, "This is Elrond."

"And this, my friend-" a short man with curly hair and hairy feet said.

"-is a pint." A similarly hairy-footed man added.

"Merry." Said the first.

"And Pippin." Said the second.

"Yes, these introductions are all very well," Elrond interrupted, "but I have come here to tell you something most important."

"Which is?" I asked, not sure I really wanted to know.

"You have been summoned to a council at nine o'clock tonight in the general common room."

"Umm … a council?" I asked.

"Yes, you have been summoned to this council to answer to the threat of-"

"Shove it, Elrond." Fili said, shaking his head.

"There's a meeting tonight." Kili explained, "Every new student must undergo an initiation."

"What kind of initiation?" I questioned, now completely sure I didn't want to know.

"Ah, well that's a secret until tonight." Fili added with a smile.

"And if I refuse?" I questioned.

"It would not be wise to refuse." Elrond said gravely.

"Of course." I sighed, "How convenient."

"See you tonight." Kili and Fili said, and they all left.

"I give up." I said, pouring an enormous coffee and stalking away from the table.

"Hey," Legolas called, following me, "You're not supposed to take that out of the dining hall!"

"Believe me, Legolas," I hissed, only inches away from his face, "you do not want to get between me and my caffeine or you'll be even more dead than you were the last time I killed you."

"I hope you know that I am your prefect." Legolas said, but not with much conviction.

"Dead." I enunciated before turning away and leaving.

In the hallway, I found The Foot Bonk Stick hopping around aimlessly. It turned to face me, or at least, I think it did. It's lamp apparatus swiveled around, at any rate.

"Eh-ee?"

"Yeah, me too." I agreed, having no idea what it meant but understanding the sentiment.

I spent that morning and most of the afternoon walking around the school in companionable silence with The Foot Bonk Stick as we both looked for all of our classrooms most of which seemed not to exist.

After a few hours, I had gotten completely lost and The Foot Bonk Stick had vanished somewhere. Ahead of me lay a corridor with only one door at the end. It was a large set of double doors with a sign above reading 'Library.' The door was cracked open slightly so I went in.

The library was beautiful, with large wooden shelves set along the walls and a number of wooden tables in the middle of the room. A double staircase lead up to a second floor with further bookshelves and large windows in every wall. There was a distant creak and I looked around.

"Foot Bonk Stick?" I called, "Is that you?"

I looked over to one of the tables in the middle of the library and saw a man sitting there. He was a handsome older man in a suit wearing glasses and reading a large manuscript.

"Umm, excuse me?" I asked.

He looked up.

"Oh sorry, I didn't hear you come in." He replied, "I'm Giles, by the way, the librarian. Is there anything I can help you find?"

"Yes, actually, I was just wondering if you've seen The Foot Bonk Stick around here." I replied.

"Hmm," Giles mused, "I don't know if we have that volume here. Who is the author?"

I stared at him blankly for a moment as the rusty gears in my brain creaked into use, "The Foot Bonk Stick is a student." I said.

"Oh, terribly sorry," Giles said, "but I haven't seen anyone in here except for Elmo Pasty. Maybe she's seen your friend."

"Ok, thanks." I said, heading up one of the staircases to the second floor of the library.

There was what I thought was a distant creak and a voice, but I couldn't seem to locate them. I was about to give up when I nearly ran into someone. It was the dark brown haired girl from dorm one.

"You must be Elmo Pasty, right?" I asked.

"Not really." She replied, "It's actually Erin Pasty, but apparently Professor Yubaba thinks that I am a man.

I nodded knowingly.

"And you're Kitty?" Erin asked.

"Yep," I said, "and that better not be what I think it is."

I could have sworn that I saw something green flash behind one of the bookshelves and heard the subtle click of a camera. All sorts of thoughts of pain, murder and death passed through my brain.

"Huh?" Erin questioned, looking around.

"Oh, never mind, I thought I saw something." I said, peering suspiciously behind the bookshelves.

Erin looked around too then shrugged, "Oh, I meant to ask, have you been told about some sort of council- I mean meeting about an initiation tonight?"

"Unfortunately, yes." I replied. I had nearly forgotten about the strange conversation I had had this morning.

"Did they tell you what it was supposed to be?" She asked.

I shook my head, "No. I was hoping you would know."

Erin sighed, "I honestly have no idea, but it better not be anything creepy or pervy."

"Oh God," I said, horrified, "I hadn't even thought of that."

Erin nodded darkly.

"Yeah, I guess this school is mostly guys." I mused.

"Eh-ee?"

"Oh," I looked around to see The Foot Bonk Stick creaking by the wall, "I was wondering where you had gotten to."

"Eh-ee." It creaked apologetically.

"You know it?" Erin asked.

"Yeah, it's in my dorm." I answered, "Actually that was the reason I came in here."

The bell rang just then, signaling lunch.

"FOOD!" Erin and I both shrieked.

We both looked at one another and laughed. Perhaps I had found someone as strange as myself.


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter Four:

We headed off to the dining hall together amid groups of students. Erin had her hand on the door to the dining room when we heard something behind us.

"WAAAAAAAAAAH! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

Something small and struggling landed in my arms. He looked like a small child with a fox tail and a little pony tail.

"Please help me!" He cried.

"What's-" I began, but another voice interrupted.

"Get me here, Shippou, ya little twerp!"

I turned around to see Inuyasha running after the little fox boy, Shippou, and Kagome running after him.

"Inuyasha!" She yelled, "Stop!"

"Hey, girl!" Inuyasha said to me, stopping short, "Shippou needs to be taught a lesson, so hand him over!"

"What?" I asked, "No way, buster. Pick on someone your own size."

"Don't make me beat you up too cause I will." Inuyasha growled.

"Do not be foolish, brother." A voice said from beside me.

I looked up to see Sesshoumaru.

"Brother?" I asked, "Wait, you two are-"

"Unfortunately," Sesshoumaru said, "the half-breed is also my half-brother."

"Shut up, Sesshoumaru!" Inuyasha yelled.

"Well," Sesshoumaru said to me, ignoring Inuyasha, "I shall see you later."

"Oh, okay, bye," I said, "see you tomato, I mean tomorrow, I mean, goddammit."

"Huh, whatever." Inuyasha huffed, "I got better things to do anyway. I'll beat you up later, Shippou, when you got no one there to protect you. Come on, Kagome."

When they were gone, I turned to Erin, "Geez, what's his problem. He's in your dorm, right?"

"Yeah," Erin said, "He's always like that. How do you know Sesshoumaru? I thought he was in dorm three."

"He is." I said, pretending that I hadn't heard the first part of the question, "Now, how about we get something to eat, I'm starving!"

We sat down at the first table we came to. Since yesterday, all of the students were allowed to sit wherever we wanted not just with our assigned dorms, so we sat down next to three people that Erin introduced as Harry, Ron and Hermione. They glanced strangely at The Foot Bonk Stick as I introduced it, but I could hardly blame them. Another girl, Pika, whom I recognized from the entrance ceremony sat with us, and we all ate, speculating about classes. Pika also mentioned the initiation, and I could see the same look of dread on her face as was on Erin's and my own. We all begged Harry, Ron and Hermione to tell us, but they apologized profusely, saying that it was a school tradition and they were absolutely forbidden from telling us.

I sighed, conceding defeat and headed back to the general common room alone to sit and worry until nine o'clock, hoping that it would not come too quickly, but it did.

After dinner, everyone proceeded to the general common room, speaking in hushed, excited whispers. I sat with Erin and Pika again, but non of us said anything as we were all far too nervous. All three prefects stood together: Elrond, Legolas, and the prefect from dorm three, The Witch-King. They all looked so solemn and imposing that I had a moment of terrified laughter that I stifled by wadding up my schedule and shoving it in my mouth.

"As you know," Elrond began, "you have been summoned to this council to answer to the initiation. We have three transfer students, so there shall be three initiations. These have been chosen fairly and discussed in secrecy. We shall go over the initiation rules and then each dorm shall discuss privately the nature of their quest."

"Gwrrg?" I asked, then realized that my schedule was still in my mouth. Damn. I was probably going to need that tomorrow, "Quest?" I tried again, but Legolas was beckoning me with a look in his eyes that I did not like at all.

I said goodbye and good luck to Erin and Pika before following Legolas with a sense of dread. All of our dorm had crowded around our common room, squashed onto chairs, tables and couches, and all of whom I recognized except for one. He was tall and relatively beastly with long, white hair and eyebrows that were … magnificent, to say the least.

"Alright," Legolas said once everyone was quiet, "now we all know what an important school tradition the initiation is and what happens to those who refuse it."

His smile here was almost manic.

"Oh shit." I said, not realizing that I had spoken aloud.

"Oh shit is right." Legolas said, "You will be spending a night in the forest. You may bring nothing with you, and you may not return until sunrise."

There was a collective gasp, but I just felt confused.

"Umm, the forest?" I asked. I hadn't remembered seeing a forest anywhere, but I actually hadn't looked outside yet.

"But there are strange creatures in there." Irenie said.

"Strange creatures?" I repeated, "What kind of strange creatures?"

"No doubt you'll find out." Legolas said, smiling.

I went to bed that night dreading what the next day would bring, but not before I checked my bathroom, my closet and under my bed for anything suspiciously green and toad-like.

The next morning, I woke up, looked at my alarm clock and screeched. Class started in ten minutes. Somehow, I managed to jump out of bed, shower, dry my hair and pull on my uniform in five minutes. I found my schedule crumpled up and smudged.

"Arghhhh why am I such an idiot?" I cursed, smoothing the paper out to the best of my abilities, "What the eminem does that say? Meth class? That's alarming, no wonder this schools full of creeps- oh, wait, that's math class."

I rushed out of my room and downstairs, flinging people out of my way so I wouldn't be late.

"MOVE, BITCH!" I yelled, launching myself through the general common room and out into the hallway.

I knocked people aside like they were bowling pins as I raced to class. Fortunately, I could read through the squidge of my schedule that I was going to classroom 101, so I barreled down the hallway at top speed until I arrived, panting outside of the room.

The door was open and somehow, miraculously, I wasn't late. I breathed a sigh of relief and walked in.

"Uh uh." Professor No Face said.

"Yes. Quite." I replied, having no idea what he had said.

I saw Erin sitting near the center of the room with Harry, Ron and Hermione. They waved me over.

"Hey guys." I said, trying not to sound too excited that I had found some human friends.

On the other side of me sat a trio of boys who looked very Italian.

"Hello." said one of the boys. He was very handsome, with dark hair, large brown eyes and a beak- I mean, red-rimmed glasses, "I am Piero Barone. I am seventeen years old, and I am seventeen." He looked confused for a moment, and I melted at his Italian accent.

"Hi." I said, giggling like an idiot for some reason, "I'm Kitty."

The other two boys introduced themselves.

"I am Gianluca Ginoble, I am sixteen years old, and I am from Abruzzo."

"I am Iiiiiiiiiignaaaaaaazio Boschetto, I am sixteen years old, and I am from Sicily."

I stared at them in some distress. They were very, very Italian.

"Uh uh." Professor No Face said, producing an abacus from out of nowhere's butt crack.

I gave it a wary look before turning to Erin.

"Hey," I whispered, "do you have your initiation task tonight?"

She nodded but looked distinctly uncomfortable.

"What's up?" I asked, "What do you have to do?"

"Well, I actually wanted to talk to you about it. We should talk after class though, I don't want anyone else to hear." She said.

I nodded and spent the rest of the class worrying about my initiation, wondering what Erin wanted to talk to me about, and paying no attention at all to math. Class ended eventually, and Professor No Face handed out the homework, which was apparently written in some strange and unknown language.

"What the hell is this?" I asked, standing and looking at the paper in horror as everyone filed out of the classroom.

"You don't understand?" A gorgeous voice asked from behind me.

I turned around to find Piero there.

"Oh, umm, no." I giggled, "I couldn't understand a word Professor No Face said."

"Me neither." Piero laughed, "It's pretty easy though. Would you like for me to help you?"

"Huh huh yeah." I managed before walking out of the classroom.

"Okay, cool," He said, "I'll see you at lunch."

I watched him walk away, suppressing a strong desire to injure myself with something large and sharp before squinting down at my schedule again.

Next, I had art class with an enormous, buff man named Terry Crews, who discussed the deep and moving beauty that was art. I looked around the classroom, but unfortunately, the only person I recognized was The Collins Beast. Everyone else was from dorm one or dorm three but the guy next to me was giving me the creeps. He was dressed in what looked like a white baboon pelt. He had long black hair that was waving mysteriously in a nonexistent breeze. However, it was what was hovering around his head that disturbed me more. It was a large cloud of smoke, and I was quite sure that I had heard a strange muttering noise coming from the cloud. I stared strangely at the miasma, not realizing that the long-haired guy beneath it was watching me until he cleared his throat.

I looked up.

"Are you a priestess?" He asked.

Not the first thing I had expected him to say.

"Umm, no, sorry." I replied.

The guy continued to stare at me, "I like priestesses, huu huu."

"How … nice." I said, turning away, but the guy kept talking.

"I'm Naraku, by the way." He said.

"Cool." I replied, still not looking at him.

"And you're Kitty." Naraku said.

There was a murmuring noise from the cloud above his head. I gave it a look.

"What the satan is that?" I asked,

"Oh this?" Naraku question, gesturing above his head, "This is the miasma."

I waited for a moment, but he did not elaborate. Instead, he continued to stare, so I set about sketching a bowl of potatoes with a vengeance.

When art class ended, I hurried away to English before anyone else could speak to me. English was uneventful. Legolas and Gimli smirked unpleasantly from across the classroom, and Professor Joe Dolce, a man with a heavily Italian accent, said to anyone who asked a question "what's a matter you?" or "gotta no respect!" or "shaddup a you face!"

I was relieved when it was finally time for lunch.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter Five

I met Erin at the first table where she waved me over.

"Hey," I said, "What did you want to-"

"Shhhh!" She hissed, "Keep it down."

"Oh," I whispered, "so, what did you want to talk to me about?"

"Okay, so my initiation is to prank you." She said, "Apparently its some sort of deranged tradition. Dorm one always pranks dorm two and dorm three usually gets blamed. I guess we're all supposed to be rivals or something. I don't really know, but it sounds dumb to me. Anyway, I have an idea."

"What?" I asked eagerly, but alarmed and slightly hurt that dorm one was supposed to prank me and wondering vaguely if Legolas knew anything about this.

"Well, I'm supposed to follow you into the forest and scare the shit out of you basically." Erin explained, "So, what do you think they would do if you died?"

"Uh …"

I must have looked greatly disturbed because Erin explained more.

"Not really, obviously," She said, "but we pretend. Imagine how they'd all feel if I ran back to the school after I was supposed to prank you and told them that I found you dead."

"I see what you mean." I said, "That's brilliant. Have you told anyone else?"

"Only Hermione," She replied, "but don't worry, she's trustworthy."

"Ohohohoho!" I laughed, shoveling food into my mouth.

"Hey, Kitty." A steamy Italian voice said from behind me.

I looked around, "Ohh, Piero." I tried to say, but my mouth was full of spaghetti, some of which appeared to be attempting some sort of mutinous escape down my chin.

"Do you want me to help you with math tonight?" He asked.

My face fell. I picked it up.

"Oh, I'm sorry, I have my initiation tonight." I said.

"Oh," Piero said, "how about tomorrow then?"

"That sounds good." I said smiling.

"Okay." Piero replied, walking away.

I could have sworn I heard him singing something along the lines of "I can't look awayyyyyy. It makes my heart ache. You're painfully beautiful." Then again, maybe I was just imagining things.

When lunch had ended, Erin and I realized, with delight, that we had the next three classes together. It made things much more bearable, especially when creepy people tried to sit near either of us.

Science class was unique, as Professor Tomo spoke quickly and manically about photosynthesis and asexual reproduction. When Spike, a guy from Erin's dorm with bleached blonde hair, asked Professor Tomo if she had ever tried to asexually reproduce, she became so angry that her face cracked and fell off.

The small bird with a blonde boy's head flew by, "Your face cracked off, you wrinkly old hag."

"BAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" Professor Tomo shrieked, quickly applying make-up in a cloud of powder until she looked just as she had a few seconds ago.

Erin and I looked at one another in alarm as the class erupted into laughter.

"What's with the bird-boy?" I asked.

"That's Akito." Erin replied, "I actually have no idea if he's a student or not."

The rest of the class was spent by Professor Tomo shrieking at everyone to be quiet but with no success.

On the way to history class, we were joined by Pika, Ron, Hermione and The Foot Bonk Stick. Ron and Hermione talked to Erin animatedly about class, but I found myself unable to join in. I was still terrified about the upcoming initiation despite Erin's plan. What if something went wrong? What if she couldn't find me? What if she turned evil and killed me? What if-

My musings were cut short as I saw Ryuk floating next to me in a most distracting manner and staring at me with his large yellow eyes. For some reason, he was upside-down and had one arm around his head as though he were holding himself in a headlock.

"Hello?" I asked.

"Do you have any apples?" Ryuk asked urgently, his body contorting, "The withdrawal. It's starting."

I looked in my bag and saw that for some reason, t here were two shiny red apples in the bottom next to my pens.

"Actually, yes, I do." I said, handing two of them to him.

"Ahhh! Thank you!" He cried, his body righting itself as he ate each apple in one bite.

"Yeah, sure." I replied, wondering where they had come from.

"By the way, good luck with your initiation tonight." He said before flying away down the hall.

"Wonderful." I muttered darkly to myself, "Just what I wanted to think about."

History class, in comparison to most of the other classes of the day, was relatively normal and immensely fascinating. Professor Death had met every single historical figure that we were going to study and gave us interesting anecdotes about each.

Unfortunately, Jaken decided to exist next to me. I saw his hands inching toward the camera on his desk, but Sesshoumaru hit him over the head.

"Desist, cretin." He said, before sweeping back his long hair.

I couldn't help but watch him as he did so. He caught my eye and I looked away, feeling my face grow hot. Holy shit, he was gorgeous.

And he was in athletics class too.

Erin and I both grumbled to one another about how ridiculously short the short were that we had to wear. Fortunately, the boys didn't have to wear them, so we were at least spared that horror, but we, and a long-haired girl named Kikyo were the only girls in the class. I felt distinctly uncomfortable, as did Erin, but Kikyo seemed to like the attention that we received from the guys.

"Now," Professor Gandalf called to all of us, "I know that rugby is a brutal game, but I don't want to see any deaths. Other than that, I have nothing else to say except," He grabbed his whistle and let out a piercing note, "Let's play ball!"

The ball was thrown from the far side of the field somewhere to my left and everyone charged in that direction except for Erin and myself who ran slowly, not wanting to get hurt as most of the guys were a good foot taller than us.

Inuyasha gave me an unpleasant smile as he ran past, "You better not get in the way, little girl. I wouldn't wanna hurt a weakling like you."

I stood for a moment in stunned silence, infuriated, then one of my eyes twitched and I snorted steam from my nostrils and launched myself after him. He had the ball now and I barreled down the field after him, overtaking all of the other guys, who looked at me in surprise, but I didn't take my eyes off of Inuyasha.

"Oh hell no!" I panted, "Your ass is mine!"

He looked back in confusion then saw me, but it was too late. I hurled myself at him, knocking him to the ground and wrestling the ball from him.

"What the hell?" He demanded, but I only smiled at him in triumph.

I looked up for a moment and saw Sesshoumaru, smiling slightly and I completely forgot that I had the ball until I realized that twelve huge guys were running at me from all over the field.

"Oh, shit!" I screamed, chucking the ball at Inuyasha where it smacked him hard in the face.

All of the other guys diverted their course, tackling Inuyasha and landing in one huge sweating, struggling pile of men. Mmm… I mean… what?

Gandalf blew his whistle and jogged over.

"That was an incredible take-down and an ingenious diversion!" He said, giving me a slap on the back.

I beamed as the other clapped, all except for Kikyo, who had her arms crossed.

"That was an unfair move." She said.

"Shove a sock in it, Kikyo," Gandalf said, "no one likes you anyway."

"I do." Said a voice, and suddenly, Naraku flew down from out of nowhere's ass crack, his baboon pelt flapping in the breeze and the miasma sussurating above his head.

"Get off my field!" Gandalf ordered as a scuffle began.

Inuyasha and Naraku were rolling around on the ground, throwing punches and kicks and yelling about Kikyo and betrayal. The miasma was having trouble keeping up, and suddenly, something tumbled out of it. It was a man, or it may have been a woman, but it had a pale thin face framed by long black hair, and there were strange markings around its eyes.

"Who the hell are you?" Inuyasha yelled.

"Oh me, I am Lord Cob." It said, "I was hiding in the miasma."

Then it turned to Naraku and said, "Come along," before disappearing again into the miasma.

"You haven't seen the last of me!" Narrate shrieked, hopping away.

"Yeah, you're in my first two classes." Inuyasha muttered, "Crazy bastard."

There was silence as everyone watched Naraku and Lord Cob leave, then Gandalf cleared his throat.

"Umm… class is dismissed." He managed, and then he walked away muttering to himself about young hooligans.


	6. Chapter 6

Chapter Six: The Initiation Disaster

I had hardly noticed how quickly time had gone by until dinner was over, and it was time for the initiations. Everyone gathered together in the general common room to wish Erin, Pika and I good luck. I noticed, with some disappointment, that Sesshoumaru was not there, but neither was Jaken, which was a relief.

And so, with a few "good luck"s and a few unpleasant smirks, mainly from Kikyo, Legolas and Gimli, I set out toward the forest. It was dark outside already, an unnerving pitch back that covered and smothered everything.

I shivered and looked back at the school. The windows were crowded with students, making sure that I went into the forest, so I turned back around and marched away, muttering.

The forest was dark and closed in around me as I walked in. There was a permeating silence broken every now and then by disturbing rustlings. I walked in further. Erin had left water and a flashlight hidden behind a tree yesterday. She had agreed to meet at 'that one really big tree,' but unfortunately, I was discovering that all of the trees basically looked the same.

I began to panic as I lost sight of the edge of the trees. My eyes had adjusted to the moonlight pretty well, but the noises were growing louder and distinctly more disturbing. I tried to turn back the way I had come, but it was too late… the wilderness.

Suddenly there was a thundering, galloping noise to my right as of some hulking creature crashing through the trees. I screamed and dived behind a tree as Pika ran across the forest some feet in front of me. She was screaming, and something huge followed in her wake.

"OOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH YYYYEEEEEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHH!"

"Oh. My. God." I whispered as an enormous red jug of koolaid with pants and a face ran after Pika.

Was this her initiation? Was I supposed to run into a creature from hell too and have to run for my life?

I decided to stay where I was and wait. Perhaps Erin would show up soon. It wasn't long before I heard someone walking nearby and a sort of low chattering and whispering.

"Erin?" I asked tentatively, "Is that you?"

"No, my name is not Erin." A voice said. It was a horrendous voice, whiny and nasally.

"Who are you?" I asked, warily.

I could vaguely see the shape of someone large and blob-like. I could have sworn also that when I looked up into the trees, there were hundreds of little beady eyes staring down at me.

"I'm T****." The man replied, walking over.

He was hideous, with a forehead that seemed to go on forever and more chins than I could count. He was eating an entire roast chicken as he spoke.

"And these are my friends." T**** said.

And suddenly, the hundreds of things in the trees jumped down to the forest floor, revealing themselves to be an enormous pack of m-words.

"Okay, well you have a nice night." I said, scrambling to my feet, terrified, "I have somewhere to be."

I began to walk away quickly, but T****'s voice echoed behind me.

I turned around to see him smiling unpleasantly at me, gobbling up the rest of the chicken in one bite. The m-words leered at me also, chattering and jumping up and down with manic excitement.

"My friends are bored. They need some sport." T**** said, pulling a handful of mashed potatoes from one pocket.

"I'm afraid that I am not very good company." I said, backing away.

"Oh no." T**** replied, "I think you'll do just fine."

And with that, the m-words screeched and I ran for my life. I could hear them in the trees and running along the ground after me. Trees blurred past as I ran, making my way blindly through the forest. Up ahead, a large ditch dropped away. I stumbled and then fell, screaming as hundreds of m-words bore down upon me.

I must have blacked out for a few seconds because the next thing I knew, I was in someone's arms. I looked up to see Sesshoumaru and my eyes grew wide. He looked at me wordlessly, and then suddenly we were assaulted by a tirade of flashing lights and clicking sounds.

"What the-" I began, but the spectacle was explained by Jaken walking out from behind a tree laughing.

"Caught red-handed." He giggled.

"Why you little, spying shit!" I yelled trying to grab him and kill him, but Sesshoumaru was still holding me. I turned to him in anger, "Let me at him!"

"No, I don't think that will be necessary." Sesshoumaru replied, "A much worse fate awaits him."

I looked behind Jaken and saw what Sesshoumaru meant. Hundreds of m-words with glittering eyes were swinging through the vines behind him. The wilderness creaked ominously.

"Oh holy shit!" I said, "Let's get out of here!"

Sesshoumaru nodded and picked me up before running from the chattering, shrieking onslaught. I held on tightly to him, not even daring to look down because, for some reason, it felt as though we were high above the trees.

When I finally opened my eyes again, we were on the lawn in front of the school. I let out a sigh of relief, but then I heard a voice behind us yell, "BRACE YOURSELVES!"

I looked back to see Pika running as fast as she could toward us. Behind her, The Koolaid Man was still in hot pursuit, his red contents sloshing back and forth.

"OOOOOHHHHHHH YEAAAAAAAHHHHHH!" He exclaimed menacingly.

And there was something else in the background loping after them. It looked like… but it couldn't be…

"DANGEROUSLY CHEEEEEEEEESY!"

A large, sickeningly orange cheetah wearing sunglasses was bounding after Pika.

"Please help me!" She cried, hiding behind me and Sesshoumaru.

Sesshoumaru turned to us, "I have an idea," He said, "follow me."

He grabbed hold of my hand and lead me into the school while Pika ran with us. We headed down a hallway until Sesshoumaru came to an abrupt stop outside of a bathroom. There was a message carved into the door. I peered closer and read:

The Ump sits in the corner of the grimy bathroom and spins.

It spins and waits for someone to walk through the door,

Then it shuts the door and spins some more.

"Well that's scary beyond all reason." I said, but Sesshoumaru put a finger to my mouth to silence me. He slightly missed and shoved his finger up my nostril, but I understood what he meant.

I could hear echoes of "OH YEAH" and "DANGEROUSLY CHEESY" echoing around the hallway. Sesshoumaru opened the bathroom door slightly before pulling Pika and me into the room next to it.

There was a crash as The Koolaid Man and the Cheetos Cheetah opened the door, then all went silent. Sesshoumaru opened the door to the room we were in and looked around. The coast was clear, so we hurried away to our dorms.

The general common room was crowded when we got there and it was tinged with early morning light. I had made it.

"Thanks." Pika said, turning to Sesshoumaru and me, "I guess we passed."

I nodded, "I guess so."

I realized with some guilt that Erin was nowhere to be seen. I hoped that she was okay. She might just be sleeping in her dorm now. Things hadn't really turned out as planned, but that didn't really seem to matter. It was five in the morning, so I might as well get two or three hours of sleep before breakfast.

"I, Sesshoumaru, shall now return to my room." Sesshoumaru said from next to me.

"Oh!" I exclaimed, I had nearly forgotten that he was there, "Yes, see you tomorrow, or rather today, and umm… what you did," I trailed off, not really knowing how to thank him as he looked at me, "you're really cool."

"I, Sesshoumaru, are… is… am cool?" He repeated blankly, but I was already running up the stairs.

"Cool?!" I berated myself as I stomped down the hall to my dorm room.

Irenie and Kagome fled.

"Cool?!" I bellowed as I slammed the door behind me, "That's it. Time to die now."

I walked over to my balcony to wrench open the door and throw myself out only to find that the balcony was no longer there. That was odd. Hmm… maybe it would be there when I woke up.


End file.
